Forgiveness

Someone asked me once how I could forgive and let go of hurts so “easily”. Here’s the big secret… I have been a big nasty turd myself more times than I can count. I have been wrong, critical, mistaken, stupid, ignorant and hurtful. But those are things I do not want to be. When I have realized what a rotten person I’ve been… in those moments, I’ve felt crushed by the sorrow and remorse for what I had done and wanted to make things right. I STILL want and need to be loved. I think when someone realizes how wrong they are they especially need to feel love, grace and mercy then. I think we need to be made keenly aware of how wrong we have been, to know what pain we’ve caused others… in feeling that, hopefully we will pray that God helps us “mend our ways” that we don’t continue behaving like big turds. Cuz that is NOT what we are, or who He’s called us to be.

I forgive, because He has forgiven me. I love, because He loves me. I don’t “deserve” anything good from God. But, He has been gracious and merciful to me, taking me in as His own child, loving me, training me up in the way He wants me to go. I know what it’s like to need to be forgiven. I know what it’s like to torture yourself over and over, to be angry at yourself for being stupid, and doing the same old, same old all over again. I know what it is to cry out for salvation from those habits and patterns that I could never break in my own strength.

I have spit in His eye and gone my own way, and found the bitterness and pain that behavior always leads to. I have found Him to be the Lover of my soul, faithful Father, best Friend ever. Forgiving and letting go isn’t “easy” & I can’t do it in my own strength. I forgive because I have been forgiven. I let go because I see the futility of my hanging on, and know I can trust God to take care of everything.

So for those who’ve read my note “Thanks!” I just want you to know that I have resembled the remarks I made about those who’ve hurt me and let me down. I have been the offender as well as being the offended. I think we all have. “To err is human”. We seem to have a knack for it.

If we look to anyone or anything other than God, trying to find our security in anything or anyone other than WHO God is… we will fall, fail, and find ourselves perpetually frustrated and wondering “why is this happening to me again?”. So, ease up on all the peeps who ruined your plans. Psalm 37:23 says God orders your steps, so chill. He’s taking care of everything.

There’s no room for self-righteousness when you’re sitting on His lap, relying on His love and kindness. When you see the truth of where you are and how you in your own self are fully bankrupt of any ability to save yourself let alone anyone else, you see that you’re no better than anyone else. When I’m a big idiot and I’ve screwed up, I hope and trust to find God’s grace.

When others have hurt me I run to Him with my hurt, and the process begins…the venting, the crying, the listening to Him say things only He could say…making sense out of everything & bringing a smile back to my face. I ask Him to sort out the mess of emotions I’m feeling (emotions are wild and wonderful, but are shifty, as well), and to give me His perspective on things. I look to Him, not to my self or to anyone else in particular. It’s always HIM that I run to 1st. I do have others (praise God) whom I can talk to, but there is no one like Him.

God’s love is the only thing I know powerful enough to turn a hard heart soft and putty-like. His firm, faithful gentleness in heated moments of intense run-away emotion takes hold of the reigns and settles things down. It’s silly to ask “why?” over and over again, but never take the time to listen to His answer. If we don’t begin to do something different, such as listen to Him and truly learn HIS ways, we will always only have what we have always had… that which we say is not enough. There’s no sense in that when our God is known as more than enough.

Thank You!!!

I’d like to sincerely thank all those who have helped in grow in my journey with God. Special thanks: to those who have rejected me, those who offered me friendship & then dropped me like a hot potato. Thanks to those who swore to be true, but bailed out when the sh*t hit the fan. Thanks to those who have bullied and tried to manipulate through fear. Oh, there are so many manipulators to thank… so many, so many different ways they try to manipulate. Thanks to those who willfully misunderstood and shut me out. Thanks to the posers, the tricksters, those whose goal is to dominate. Thanks to the selfish and the greedy. To those who swear their alliegance to the King but show yourselves to be usurpers of His authority time and time again. Thanks to those who boast of being all about The Way, The Truth and The Life; but exalt their own way, opinions, and perspectives above Him. Thanks to those of you who were not there for me, didn’t have the answers, and didn’t even try to reach out to me when I reached out to you.

Thank you one and all. Truly. Hope I’ve not forgotten or left anyone out. Thank you for letting me down. Sincerely. I thank you because God used every bit of it to aid in HIS purpose in my life. Every time I looked to someone & they let me down, GOD was there & He did not fail me. Every time I got sucker-punched by the carelessness of others, He comforted me and taught me. I still have the scars, but no bitterness of oozing wounds. I am truly grateful for every cut and scrap that drove me deeper into His love. For all the krap that’s been shoveled on me worked like fertilizer in the hands of the Living God. I am His. So, He takes the funky things thrown at me in life & uses them to further the work HE is doing in me.

Of course, most of all I want to thank my Abba God for never giving me the “Utopia” I had so many times asked Him for. (Ya know…praying for everything in your life to line up in a nice, neat, perfect little package for all to see.) Thank You, Papa, for loving me so passionately, so faithfully, so tenaciously, so truly & so deeply that You never once gave in to my pleading to get my way.

Thank You for doing what was best for me, for making me walk through hard places, over rough terrain, making me face my fears. You have taught me what true spiritual warfare is, and it’s nothing I can take credit for. You are a mighty God. The only true and living God. And I will praise Your name forever. Through all the “good” and the “bad”, I have found that Your grace is more than enough. I know where “the secret place” is and how to get there in a heartbeat. I am thrilled with the treasure of knowing You in such a way that I fear no evil (at least not for more than a few minutes). Thank You for leveling the playing field (so to speak) and letting me see there are no “good” days or “bad” days anymore. I am Yours. Now there are only days of Your amazing grace. Much love to You, Papa!!! Jesus!!! & Sweet Holy Spirit!!! And bless all those who have aided me in my journey with You.

Marcy Ellis
September 14, 2009